I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
