I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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