i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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