I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
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