Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
