phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize