best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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