Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
