This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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