So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
