Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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