Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
