She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
