i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
