did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
