Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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