i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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