Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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