I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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