If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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