Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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