its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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