just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
false alarm, still single
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
