I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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