So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
