i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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