I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
