I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
