Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
