If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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