The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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