Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
