one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize