i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize