this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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