Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
