i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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