Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
