Cold hands, warm shart.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
