im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
