Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
