I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My vagina is very pro this idea
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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