hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
