Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
