I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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