my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
