Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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