I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
