dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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