Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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