I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize