So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
