I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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