Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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