I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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