Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
