I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
