do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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