your parents love me but you hate me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
