Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize