Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i came on her dog
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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