I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
