I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
