I just threw up on my dentist
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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